Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
