Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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