I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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