I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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