she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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