i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
