Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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