textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
