I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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