Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
