is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
