So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
