So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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