Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
