Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
