I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
