oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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