hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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