can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
