took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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