some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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