new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
