Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
