Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
