everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
