my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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