i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
