I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
