Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
