If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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