How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
