i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
