i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
