i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
This is the prime rib incident all over again
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What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
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I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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