I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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