I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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