The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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