Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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