i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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