checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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