after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
this must be what syphilis tastes like
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
