Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
