I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
