OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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