also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
