Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
