I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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