id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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