onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
