What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
