so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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