I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize