Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
