Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
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Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I still have a little drunk in my system
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I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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