i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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