All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
