she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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