Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
